When meeting your daughters new boyfriend for the first time, do like the Horrible Father and dress to impress. This is a picture of me and what I wore to meet the boyfriend. I used to wait until after the first meeting to dial up the crazy. This time, I decided to try something new, and just “turn it up to 11” right off the bat. I was determined to bust out of the gate looking like a complete madman.
Prior to meeting, I researched everything about the guy. Vehicle type. Addresses. The works. I knew more about him than my daughter did. Hell, I knew more about him than his own mama!
My Plan A was to find some bombshell and drop it on him during dinner to see how he responds. To my surprise, I didn’t find anything too worrisome. If he recognizes me from the picture and reads this (there probably aren’t a whole lot of short, fat dads walking around in public with a Deadpool t-shirt carrying a katana these days), remember son, I’m watching…always watching. And I’ll keep digging.
So, I had to move on to Plan B – Intimidation! At home, I brought up the subject of meeting him on the weekend, where we should go to meet, and asked how he felt about it. My wife suggested we meet on neutral ground to give me less advantage and the poor guy a chance. My daughter said he was nervous because he really wanted us to like him.
“Excellent, my plan is coming together nicely”, I thought to myself, twirling an imaginary sinister moustache.
I asked her some questions like when his birthday was, if he has any siblings, where he lives. She couldn’t answer them. I figured I’d let her know the answers. So, I calmly explained to both of my daughters and my wife everything I found out about him. Why both daughters? Well, I want my younger daughter to see exactly how, uh, let’s just say…thorough, I can be.
My wife and children just stared at each other for a moment, looking astonished at the amount of intel I acquired. For the first time ever, all three were speechless.
“How do you know all this?”
“Maybe I’m making it all up. Or maybe I’m just that good. You’ll have to ask him to find out.” Now, I gotta say, that answer was so badass that I instantaneously grew a full-on sinister moustache, and started twirling it.
They took the bait, and asked him if I was right. Mission accomplished! He confirmed everything I said. Just as I’d planned, his nervousness to meet us grew exponentially. Surely, he’d run for the hills.
Much to my chagrin he didn’t. They picked a time and place to meet, and then my glorious sinister moustache fell off.
So, a few days later we arrived at a little sandwich place to meet him for the first time. The meeting went well enough. I tried my old schtick of responding with grunts and glaring at the boy, but I just wasn’t feeling it. “This kid seems ok, maybe I should actually give him a shot”, I thought to myself. So I did.
Because I am watching. Always watching…