Month: November 2016

The Horrible Father Presents: 7 tips for Children who try to disagree with their Horrible Father. 

Typical response when mom says “Listen to your father”

Sometimes, you and your precious children will disagree on the way you parent them.  Usually, that happens because you are telling them no. So, I decided that I would give some pointers to our kids to help them realize why Dads say no, and ultimately why we are always right.

  1. Calmly express your points. If you can’t do that, expect dads to say no.
  2. If any of your points include the phrase “but I’m almost N years old”, you’re not old enough.  It’s about maturity, not age.
  3. We don’t care if you say all of your friends are going.  Have one of them live stream it on Omegle. It’ll be like you are there.  And yes, we know all about Omegle. So get rid of it.
  4. We don’t care how long you have been looking forward to something, if we are not comfortable with you going, you are not going.
  5. Sometimes, the reason we say no has nothing to do with you, your company, or the activity. Sometimes it’s the location. See rule #4.
  6. When you break rule #1, come back and sincerely apologize, but do not expect us to change our mind.
  7. Dads can tell the difference between sincere apologies and apologies you make to get you closer to what you want.  We didn’t invent the bullshit detector, we perfected it.

The Horrible Father Presents: Advice For a 14 Year Old Daughter Entering High School

Entering high school is a time filled with trepidation for both daughters and parents.  It can be scary, especially for the parents.  Will your daughter make good decisions?  Learn from and admit her mistakes?  As a parent, you want to see your child succeed. Below are some tips to help your daughter entering high school. 

  1. Don’t fall for the bad boy. Sure, he may have cool sunglasses and looks good shirtless riding a horse, but he does not care about you, or your friends. He will just use you to get what he wants, then drop you once he gets it. A relationship like that is toxic, and would not end well.
  2. Do your homework. You can’t expect to succeed if you don’t know what you’re doing.  Sure, you arguably may be doing well in your Business class, but you have a lot of homework to do to catch up in Government, History, and Cosmetology.  Find a good study group to help you get up to speed. 
  3. Ignore what other people are saying. There’s no point in staying up late arguing with anyone on the Internet. It makes you look silly, and very petty.   Besides, you have tons of homework to do, so get to it.  
  4. Listen to people who have more experience and knowledge than you. Find the best people who are willing to mentor you and give you honest opinions instead of what they think you want to hear. Seek out and listen to the best advisors, even if their viewpoints may not be your own. 
  5. The next 4 years of your life will have more impact that you can possibly imagine for decades to come.  Make sure that impact is something to be proud of. 

If your daughter follows these basic, common sense suggestions it will help her be successful in high school.  

The most unsettling thing, however, is that a certain President-Elect also needs to be reminded of them to succeed in his freshman year.  And for God’s sake, Mr. President-Elect, please stay away from the bad boy. 

Why I Am A Horrible Father – Reason # 98 (AKA – always dress to impress)

When meeting your daughters new boyfriend for the first time, do like the Horrible Father and dress to impress.  This is a picture of me and what I wore to meet the boyfriend.  I used to wait until after the first meeting to dial up the crazy. This time, I decided to try something new, and just “turn it up to 11” right off the bat.  I was determined to bust out of the gate looking like a complete madman. 

Prior to meeting, I researched everything about the guy.  Vehicle type. Addresses.  The works.  I knew more about him than my daughter did. Hell, I knew more about him than his own mama!  

My Plan A was to find some bombshell and drop it on him during dinner to see how he responds.  To my surprise, I didn’t find anything too worrisome.  If he recognizes me from the picture and reads this (there probably aren’t a whole lot of short, fat dads walking around in public with a Deadpool t-shirt carrying a katana these days), remember son, I’m watching…always watching. And I’ll keep digging. 

So, I had to move on to Plan B – Intimidation!  At home, I brought up the subject of meeting him on the weekend, where we should go to meet, and asked how he felt about it.  My wife suggested we meet on neutral ground to give me less advantage and the poor guy a chance. My daughter said he was nervous because he really wanted us to like him.

“Excellent, my plan is coming together nicely”, I thought to myself, twirling an imaginary sinister moustache.  

I asked her some questions like when his birthday was, if he has any siblings, where he lives. She couldn’t answer them. I figured I’d let her know the answers. So, I calmly explained to both of my daughters and my wife everything I found out about him.  Why both daughters?  Well, I want my younger daughter to see exactly how, uh, let’s just say…thorough, I can be. 

My wife and children just stared at each other for a moment, looking astonished at the amount of intel I acquired.  For the first time ever, all three were speechless. 

“How do you know all this?” 

“Maybe I’m making it all up.  Or maybe I’m just that good. You’ll have to ask him to find out.”  Now, I gotta say, that answer was so badass that I instantaneously grew a full-on sinister moustache, and started twirling it. 

They took the bait, and asked him if I was right. Mission accomplished!  He confirmed everything I said.  Just as I’d planned, his nervousness to meet us grew exponentially.  Surely, he’d run for the hills.  

Much to my chagrin he didn’t.  They picked a time and place to meet, and then my glorious sinister moustache fell off. 

So, a few days later we arrived at a little sandwich place to meet him for the first time. The meeting went well enough.  I tried my old schtick of responding with grunts and glaring at the boy, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  “This kid seems ok, maybe I should actually give him a shot”, I thought to myself. So I did. 

But that didn’t stop me from sneaking out during dinner to put a copy of this on his car:

 

Because I am watching.  Always watching…