The Horrible Father Presents: 8 Tips to Surviving The First Day Back To School

The first day back to school can be stressful for a child and – most importantly – the Horrible Father. Here are some sure-fire tips to help you get through your kids first few days back.

  1. Always leave time in the morning for the “I can’t find my stuff” debacle.  Children have a raw talent for losing things…including a brand new pair of shoes that never left the shoe box or a fully packed backpack that was placed on the kitchen table the night before.
  2. Remember: it’s the second day back that kills you. Kids never sleep the night before school starts, but they still wake up early and power through their first day of school fueled by Lucky Charms and pure adrenaline.  Don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. On Day Two they will be beasts.
  3. Never trust the school supply lists.  You will spend $600 on paper, folders, dry erase markers (odorless, of course) and Kleenex for them to bring to school, and when your kid gets home she’ll bring home ANOTHER list of essential school supplies.   Seriously, how the hell can one class go through so many glue sticks!?!  On the morning of Day Two, show that teacher who the boss is by putting extra marshmallows in your kid’s Lucky Charms.  Ahhh…Passive-Aggressive sugary goodness.
  4. This is one for The X-Files. Children’s alarm clocks all across the country will mysteriously fail on the morning of the second day of school.  The truth is out there…and you’ll find it still drooling in bed 10 minutes before it has to leave for school.
  5. Expect the unexpected. The cat will always wait until you have one foot out the door to puke. Trick that bastard by leaving 5 minutes early.
  6. After School Clubs. Your kid will want to be in most of them, and expect you to pay for all of it.  Horrible Father Tip: you have all summer to sell plasma and kidneys to pay for the camera that your child “needs” for a photography club that she will never attend. Plan ahead.
  7. Kiss your lunch boxes goodbye.  You know that if you buy a lunchbox your dog will just find it and eat it.  Convince your kids that lunch boxes are too mainstream, and only the coolest of the cool kids bring their lunches in plastic grocery bags.
  8. Congratulations! You’ve Survived back to school! Now take a couple days off of work and play Call of Duty all day in peace. You’ve earned it!
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