The Horrible Father Presents: 7 Tips On How To Deal With Your Teenage Daughter’s Boyfriend

If you have a teenage daughter, you’ll probably have to deal with some boyfriends at one point or another.  Let’s get real, none of them will be good enough for your daughter. Ever.  

The ultimate goal here isn’t to let the boyfriend know you disapprove of his existence.  The ultimate goal is to make him think you disapprove of his existence AND are completely unhinged. 

Here are seven of my tried and true methods for intimidating your little girl’s jackass boyfriend. 

  1. When meeting the boyfriend for the first time, make sure your wife is there. Let her do most of the talking. Speak minimally, blink rarely.  Just stare and grunt. 
  2. Never bother to learn the boyfriend’s name. Bonus points if you call him by the wrong name to his face. Or in front of his mother.  
  3. Never allow them to be in a picture.  On occasions where pictures are expected, such as homecomings or proms, make sure to frame it so his head is cut off. 
  4. Make them a card like the one below. 

    Roses are Red.  I’m Brianna’s dad.  I’ll rip your limbs off if you treat her bad. 

  5. Within earshot of the boyfriend, casually mention to your wife that you “hope this guy isn’t like the others because I’m running out of places to bury the bodies.”
  6. When they are in the living room watching a scary movie, make sure to laugh every time a boyfriend meets his end.  If it’s particularly gruesome, mention out loud how you’ll have to remember that one for the future. Similarly, if they watch a romantic comedy, continually emphasize how the main female character could “do so much better than that jackass”. 
  7. On occasion you may find yourself in a situation where you will have to toss something to him – like a football, baseball or car keys. Resist the urge to throw at his head.  Aim for the crotch instead. He’ll still get the message, and he won’t go running to his parents to show them THAT bruise. 
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